Love Your Negatives: The Hidden Step in Learning How to Love Yourself

When people think about self-love, they often think it means liking every part of who they are. But real self-love runs deeper than that. It’s about learning to love the parts you’ve tried to hide, deny, or reject. Many of our “negative” thoughts, beliefs, or behaviours began as protective strategies. They were created a long time ago, often in childhood, to help us feel safe or accepted.

Babies and young children depend completely on the people caring for them. They need attention, safety, and love. So we all learned ways to get those needs met, maybe by being good, quiet, clever, funny, or helpful. The problem is that those early strategies don’t always serve us as adults, but we still carry them. And sometimes, we judge them in a really harsh way.

Every “Negative” Had a Positive Intent

When you look at the parts of yourself that you dislike, your anxiety, your people-pleasing, your self-criticism, be curious and try asking yourself this: I wonder what this is part is trying to protect me from?

You might find that these traits were never bad; they were protective. They helped you survive, belong, or avoid pain.

For example, one thing I’ve worked on personally is my need to be needed. I used to feel ashamed of that, as if wanting to be loved or validated was somehow wrong. But the truth is, it’s human. We all need to feel seen and valued.

When we meet these parts of ourselves with compassion instead of criticism, we can begin to heal.

How to Love Yourself: Thank the Parts You Don’t Like

Here’s something powerful to try:

When you notice a part of yourself you don’t like, say to it: “Thank you for keeping me safe all these years.”

Then, when you’re ready, add:

“I don’t need you to protect me in that way anymore, but I appreciate what you’ve done.”

This practice allows you to release old patterns with affection and gratitude, rather than judgement. You’re not rejecting those parts — you’re updating them with love.

Journal Prompts:

• What negative beliefs do I secretly hold about myself?
• What part of me do I struggle to love the most, and why?
• How can I show that part acceptance and compassion today?

Activity:

This week, take some time to:
✨ Write down all the traits or thoughts you call “negative.”
✨ Thank each one for its original purpose.
✨ Then turn every negative statement into a positive one, for example: “I’m too sensitive” will become “My sensitivity helps me connect and feel very deeply.”

Learning how to love yourself means embracing all of yourself. Not just the parts that look perfect.

🌿 Catch Up on Previous Steps in the 12-Step Journey

If you’ve missed any of the earlier steps, you can catch up here:

• Step One: Stop All Criticism: How to recognise and soften your inner critic.
• Step Two: Forgive Yourself: The healing power of letting go.
• Step Three: Stop Scaring Yourself: How to calm your catastrophic thinking.
• Step Four: Be Kind and Gentle with Yourself: How to practicing self compassion.
• Step Five: Be Kind to Your Mind: How to stop negative thinking with affirmations.
• Step Six: Praise Yourself: Discover why self-praise matters.
• Step Seven: Ask for help: Learning to ask for and receive support.

Next time, we’ll explore Step Nine.

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💗 Want to work with me 1:1? Click here to book a complimentary 30 min session.

✍️ Learn how to start to journal: Enrol on my mini course ‘How to Journal for Mental Health’ HERE.

👉 Download your FREE Self-Love Affirmations here

👉 Download your FREE Feelings Wheel here

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