Have you ever woken up with that horrible feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach and immediately started trying to work out why? What am I worried about? Did something happen yesterday? Have I forgotten something? Is it work? The kids? Money? That conversation I had on Tuesday?
And before you’ve even got out of bed, your brain has opened 17 tabs and is busily investigating them all. You might call yourself an overthinker. But I wonder if there’s another way of looking at it. What if nobody ever taught you what to do with a feeling?
Wouldn’t it be incredible if we grew up learning how to understand our emotions, rather than learning how to hide them? Imagine going to school and, alongside maths, English and science, being taught what sadness feels like in your body. What if you had learned that anger isn’t something shameful or frightening, but an emotion that might be telling you something matters, something hurts or a boundary has been crossed. Imagine knowing how to name what you’re feeling, how to express it safely and how to sit with an uncomfortable emotion without immediately needing to fix it, suppress it or make it disappear.
Imagine being taught that feelings aren’t good or bad. They’re information. And perhaps most importantly, imagine learning that someone else’s discomfort with your feelings doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be having them. Wouldn’t that have changed things?
Why Do I Overthink My Feelings Instead of Just Feeling Them?
Most of us didn’t receive much of an emotional education. Most of us grew up hearing things like:
“Don’t cry.”
“Cheer up.”
“Stop worrying.”
“Don’t make a fuss.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“There’s nothing to be upset about.”
“Pull yourself together.”
And, of course, that very British classic: “Keep calm and carry on.”
Usually, these things weren’t said unkindly. The people around us were often passing on what they had learned about emotions. Get on with it. Look on the bright side. Don’t dwell on things. Don’t let people see you’re upset.
So we adapted. Perhaps you became the capable one. The sensible one. The person who could cope with anything. You learned how to keep going, get things done, look after everyone else and appear absolutely fine. The trouble is, your feelings didn’t get the memo. They’re still there.
And if you weren’t taught how to experience them, it makes complete sense that you might have learned to think about them instead.
- Rather than experiencing sadness, you analyse why you’re sad.
- Rather than allowing uncertainty, you try to think your way into certainty.
- Rather than noticing that somebody hurt your feelings, you replay the conversation 47 times trying to work out whether you’re being unreasonable.
- Rather than acknowledging that you’re anxious, your brain starts producing increasingly elaborate PowerPoint presentations about everything that could possibly go wrong.
This is something I see again and again in my work as a Counsellor and EMDR therapist. People often arrive believing they need to get better at controlling their thoughts. But sometimes the question underneath the overthinking is much simpler: What am I actually feeling? Perhaps some of our overthinking isn’t because we’re bad at managing our thoughts. Perhaps it’s because nobody taught us what to do with our feelings.
How to Stop Overthinking Your Feelings: 4 Small Things to Try
You don’t need to become brilliantly emotionally intelligent by teatime. This isn’t another thing to get right. Start small.
1. Notice When You’ve Gone Into Detective Mode
Overthinking often disguises itself as problem-solving. Your brain tells you that if you analyse the situation for long enough, you’ll finally reach the thought that makes everything feel OK. Sometimes thinking is useful. But sometimes you’re simply going round the same loop. Try asking yourself: “Is this thinking actually helping me solve something?”
If the answer is yes, carry on. If the answer is no, there might not be another thought you need to find. There might be a feeling that needs your attention instead.
2. Swap “What’s Wrong With Me?” for “What Am I Feeling?”
This is such a small shift, but it’s an important one. “What’s wrong with me?” immediately makes you the problem. So try this instead: What am I feeling right now?” Sad. Cross. Anxious. Hurt. Overwhelmed. Fed up. Even “I don’t know, but something doesn’t feel right” is a perfectly good place to start. You don’t need the perfect answer, but naming your emotions can help you move from being completely caught up in an experience to becoming curious about what’s happening inside you.
3. Come Out of Your Head and Into Your Body
If your thoughts are racing, your instinct may be to use even more thinking to make them stop. Instead, gently bring some attention below your neck. Notice your feet on the floor. Unclench your jaw. Drop your shoulders. Take one long, slow breath. Then ask: “Where am I noticing this feeling in my body?”
You might notice tightness in your chest, heaviness behind your eyes, butterflies in your stomach or tension across your shoulders. You don’t have to change it. Just notice it. For ten seconds, perhaps. That’s enough.
4. Let the Feeling Be There Without Immediately Fixing It
This can feel strange if you’ve spent years believing uncomfortable feelings need to be removed as quickly as possible. Try saying:
“It’s OK that I feel like this right now.” or “This is what I’m feeling right now, and I’m allowed to feel it.“
Sometimes an emotion needs action. Sometimes it needs a boundary, a conversation or a decision. But sometimes it simply needs a little space to be felt.
Common Mistakes When You’re Trying to Stop Overthinking Your Feelings
Mistake 1: Trying to Think Your Way Out of Every Feeling
If you’re intelligent, capable and used to solving problems, thinking probably serves you extremely well. So naturally you use it on your emotions too. Why do I feel like this? How do I stop it? What caused it? What should I do about it? But emotions don’t often have a solution. Just notice what you’re feeling and allow yourself to experience it.
Mistake 2: Judging Yourself for Having the Feeling
I shouldn’t be upset about this. This is ridiculous. Other people have real problems. Why can’t I just get over it? Now you’ve got the original feeling plus a second layer of self-criticism. That’s quite a lot to carry. You don’t have to justify a feeling before you’re allowed to have it.
Mistake 3: Turning Emotional Awareness Into Another Thing to Get Right
This one is particularly sneaky. You learn that it’s healthy to feel your emotions and suddenly you’re wondering: Am I feeling this properly? How long should I feel it for? Why hasn’t it gone yet? Hello again, overthinking. Nice of you to pop back. 😂 Emotional awareness isn’t a performance. There’s no exam at the end. You’re simply learning to listen to yourself with a little more curiosity and a little less judgement.
Simple Tools to Help You Understand Your Feelings and Overthinking
A Feelings Wheel
If you know something is going on but haven’t a clue what it is, a Feelings Wheel can give you the vocabulary to begin identifying it. Instead of “I feel rubbish”, you might discover you’re actually disappointed, lonely, apprehensive, irritated or overwhelmed. And once we can name something, it often becomes a little easier to understand. Click here to get my free feelings wheel.
Journalling
Journalling gives your thoughts somewhere else to go. Rather than holding the same conversation inside your head all day, putting it onto paper can help you see what you’re thinking, and sometimes notice the feelings sitting underneath those thoughts. Click here to take my online mini course.
Grounding
When your mind has disappeared into yesterday, tomorrow or seventeen imaginary catastrophes, grounding helps bring your attention back to what’s actually happening here and now. Something as simple as noticing what you can see, hear and physically feel can interrupt the mental whirlwind. Click here to get my downloadable grounding exercise.
Imagine if you had grown up knowing all of this?
It’s not too late.
We might not have learned emotional literacy when we were eight, but we can learn it at 28, 48 or 68. You don’t need to stop thinking, become a different person or suddenly be comfortable with every emotion you’ve ever avoided. You can just start by noticing. I’m in my head again. What might I be feeling? That’s enough.
And if you’d like some help getting out of your head, download my free 5-Step Reset for Overthinking. It’s a simple place to start.
If you’d like to understand more about why your brain won’t switch off, you can also join me for my Why Can’t I Switch Off? live workshop on 22 September.
Follow me on my social channels for more tiny tips about overthinking, emotions andspending less time in your head ⤵️
#feelingswheel #overthinking #livinginmyhead #anxiety #Bingley #TalkTherapy #Counselling #EMDR
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