These words from the song ‘Shine‘ by Take That might be simple, but they have a lot of meaning for me and most of my clients who are familiar with the inner voice that criticises, pushes, and tells us we’re not good enough. I’ve heard it suggested that being hard on yourself will keep you motivated, but in reality, when we criticise ourselves we don’t make ourselves feel better, we just feel bad. It chips away at our confidence, increases our anxiety, and has real impact on our physical and emotional health.

What if the answer isn’t more pressure, but more compassion? What if treating yourself with kindness could do far more for your health and happiness than being hard on yourself ever could?

The Cost of Self-Criticism

Constantly being hard on yourself keeps your nervous system on high alert and pushes you out of your window of tolerance, which makes it more difficult to relax, sleep, or feel at peace.

Research shows that self-compassion (treating ourselves the same as we would treat a dear friend), can improve emotional regulation, reduce anxiety, and boost overall mental wellbeing. So if the inner critic is running the show in your head, it may be time to question whether it helping you or hindering you!

Why Kindness is More Effective Than Pressure

Think about this for a minute. When you encourage a child, they thrive. When you criticise them harshly, they shrink and hide. And it’s no different for adults. We don’t grow by punishing ourselves, we grow when we feel safe, supported, and encouraged.

Kindness isn’t weakness. It’s fuel. It helps us face challenges with steadiness rather than fear, and it builds a healthier foundation for change.

Small Shifts Towards Self-Compassion

Even the tiniest acts of self-compassion add up, so you don’t need big grand gestures or to spend hours and hours on this. Smaller steps are more achievable and therefore much more powerful. Over time, they quieten the inner critic and make space for confidence, calm, and clarity. Here;s a few way to get you started:

✨ Notice, Notice, Notice: Take the time to notice your internal dialogue. Being hard on ourself is so habitual, we need to become aware of how often we are doing it before we can begin to change it.

✨Pause before correcting yourself: Say to yourself, “it’s OK. I made a mistake. I’m a human.”

✨Swap ‘shoulds’ for ‘coulds’: “I should have gone for a run” becomes “I could go for a run if I want to.” It’s less harsh and offers choices rather than criticism.

✨ Physical gesture: Place a hand on your heart or give yourself a butterfly hug when you feel tense. This sends a gentle, calming signal to your nervous system.

✨ Use your own name kindly: Say something like “It’s alright, Tracy [your name], you’re doing your best.” Hearing your name in a gentle tone helps promote soothing rather than stress.

✨ Collect ‘small wins’: At the end of the day, give yourself some credit for the small things you have achieved. You can write down three things you did well (made the bed, answered an email, smiled at someone).

✨ Build in micro-breaks to breathe: Two minutes with your phone down, kettle boiling, or eyes closed counts. Permission to stop and breathe, even briefly, makes a difference.

✨ Replace comparison: When you notice comparisons with someone else, try saying “I’m happy for them”, or “We’re all on a different path.”

✨ Soften your language: Catch yourself saying things like “I’m useless” and reframe it with “I can do hard things”, “I’m getting better at this.”

You might also enjoy these related blogs:

• 5 Signs You Need More Self-Compassion (and Some Self-Compassion Techniques)
• Creating Calm in Your Daily Life
• Letting Go of Old Stories and Living in the Present

✨ More Resources ✨

💌 Download Your FREE 12 Steps to Loving Yourself

👉 Download your FREE Self-Love Affirmations here

🛞Download your FREE Feelings Wheel here

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