“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”

Tony Gaskins

When I first read this quote by Tony Gaskins, it totally floored me.  I’d just never thought about it like that before.  As a counsellor, it now makes total sense to me and resonates with many of my clients.  This is why boundaries are so very important in our journey of healing and growing. 

What are boundaries?

Before we go any further, let’s clarify what boundaries are.  Personal boundaries are the emotional, physical, and mental limits that we put in place to protect ourselves from being manipulated, violated, or mistreated by others.

They are like invisible fences that define the limits of what we are comfortable with, what we are willing to tolerate, and how we expect others to treat us. Setting and maintaining healthy personal boundaries protects our mental health and boosts overall well-being.  It’s a way of saying that I am enough, and my needs and wishes are just as important as everyone else’s. 

Boundaries can by physical (personal space), emotional (limits on emotional involvement) or time (managing priorities and commitments). 

The Purpose of Boundaries

Self-Care: At its core, personal boundaries are about self-care. They are the manifestation of your commitment to yourself, your values, and your mental health.

Protection: Boundaries act as a protective shield, keeping you safe from emotional harm, manipulation, and exploitation. They help you maintain your emotional and mental integrity.

Clarity: Setting boundaries offers clarity in your relationships. It lets others know what you expect and are willing to tolerate, which can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

Autonomy: Boundaries allow you to assert your autonomy and individuality. They define the space where you can be yourself without compromise.

Healthy Balance: Establishing personal boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy work-life balance, preventing burnout, and ensuring that you allocate your time and energy in a way that aligns with your values and priorities. Especially important if you tend to over-give, boundaries prevent other people taking advantage, by letting them know what we are willing to accept and what we are not. 

The Power of Boundaries

Boosts Self-Esteem: Setting and enforcing personal boundaries sends a clear message to ourselves that we deserve respect and consideration. This affirmation boosts self-esteem and self-worth.

Reduces Stress: Boundaries shield us from unnecessary stress and overwhelm. When we clearly communicate our limits and say “no” when needed, we prevent ourselves from taking on more than we can handle.

Enhances Emotional Well-Being: Personal boundaries allow us to maintain emotional balance. By preventing emotional manipulation and abuse, they contribute to greater emotional stability and happiness.

Preserves Energy: When we have well-defined boundaries, we conserve our emotional and mental energy for the things that truly matter. We avoid getting caught up in draining or unproductive situations.

Improves Relationships: Surprisingly, setting, and respecting boundaries can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It ensures that both parties are comfortable and have their needs met without resentment or coercion.

So why is it so difficult for most of us to implement boundaries?

Setting boundaries is a challenge for most of us, isn’t it?

Firstly, most of us were not taught how to set boundaries so we never got to practice.  We want to be nice, and we fear upsetting people. We are worried that they won’t like us and that saying “no” will make people angry with us. Many of us avoid conflict at all costs.    

Secondly, when we are not used to communicating our boundaries, we don’t have the right words. 

Finally, a lot of people seem to have got the idea that setting boundaries means we are being stroppy or difficult.  It doesn’t.  You are just being clear about what you will and won’t accept. 

What are Your Boundaries?

Self-awareness is the foundation of setting effective boundaries so start by working out what you want to accept and what you don’t.

If you don’t know, spend some time journalling about things that have upset you and felt wrong. 

• Why did it upset you? 
• What are your needs, values, and limits? 
• What makes you uncomfortable?

If you want to know more about how to journal for emotional well-being, you can do my free online mini course to get you started. Enrol here for free: https://tracyannwoodtherapy.systeme.io/howtojournal

Communicating Your Boundaries

• Practice beforehand so that you have the right words.  Set some small boundaries before you move onto bigger ones.
• Express your boundaries in a clear, composed, and succinct manner.
• Use “I” statements that avoid blaming or criticising the other person. 
• Stay calm and positive.  Remember, you are not being stroppy, you are just being clear.
• Avoid over-explaining or giving unnecessary details that may weaken your message.  You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation for your boundaries. Example: “I appreciate the offer, but I won’t be able to take on that project.
• Use the “Broken Record” Technique: If someone is not getting the message, calmly repeat your boundary without getting drawn into an argument.
• You can take your time before responding.  This will buy you time to think it through if needed.  Example: “Can I get back to you on that tomorrow?”

Boundary phrases to practice saying…

• I’m putting my needs first today.
• That’s not OK with me.
• I’d like some time to think about it before I decide.
• I’m not comfortable with that.
• I’m uncomfortable with what you just did.
• This isn’t working for me.
• This is making me feel uncomfortable.
• That’s not something I’m willing to discuss.
• I don’t want to be involved in this situation.
• I need to take a break from this conversation.
• I don’t think that’s a fair assessment of me/my actions.
• I need a break.
• Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.
• I need to think about that for a bit, I’ll get back to you.
• That’s not going to work for me.
• I know I said yes, but I had not considered the other things I have going on. I can’t add anything else to my to do list.
• I understand the urgency, but this is not something I can take on right now.
• That doesn’t work for me.
• I’m allowed to change my mind.
• I’m going to need to step away from this situation.
• Can we talk about something else now.
• I would like it if we could just agree to disagree at this point.
• I respect your opinion and I have my own opinion as well.
• I appreciate hearing your opinion, but I’m not prepared change my mind on this.
• I’m not going to take that on right now.
• That felt hurtful, or that felt mean.
• I understand your frustration, but I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that.
• Is there a different way of phrasing what you said because it sounded mean?
• I’m uncomfortable with what you just said.
• That sounds loaded. Is there something deeper we need to discuss?
• I prefer to keep this conversation kind and respectful.
• I’m not sure that comment was necessary or helpful.
• I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that tone.
• Let’s try to keep this conversation constructive and respectful.
• I’m open to hearing your point of view, but there’s no need to be rude.

Meeting Resistance to your Boundaries?

It’s quite common for the people in your life to be confused when you first start setting boundaries.  They are used to a different version of you, a version who never says no, who always agrees or goes along with what they want. You might notice a confused expression on their face as they begin to process what is happening! You normally stay quiet or let things go, and now you are doing something different.

Be patient with them and yourself as you practice this new way of being.  I’ve been known to say to people “I’m practicing putting my own needs first at the moment, so I’m going to say no on this occasion” or “I’m practicing saying no so that I don’t get overwhelmed, I can’t take that on at the moment”.

Ultimately, if people won’t respect your boundaries and continue to cross them, you might have to consider limiting contact with that person, at least until they can appreciate that your needs are just as important as theirs.

It takes time and practice to get comfortable with setting, expressing, and maintaining your boundaries, so offer yourself the same kindness that you offer to other people.  Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you learn and grow.

Visit my Free Resources Page for More: https://tracyannwood.com/resources/

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