Over the past few weeks, we’ve been exploring how our self-concept develops. We discovered how many of us take on the beliefs, values and expectations of our main caregivers as well as society. Because we want (or need) to be loved and accepted as children, we change our behaviour, feelings and actions to make sure they line-up with the people around us. We start people pleasing and give up or suppress our own needs and wants in order to keep others happy.

For example, if we received the message that it was wrong to be upset and show our feelings, we stop listening to what is really going on for us and start listening to what other people tell us.

“don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!” 

or “don’t cry, be strong”,

Counselling theory

Theoretically these are called conditions of worth. To be worthy of love and acceptance from those around me, I need to be XYX and do XYJ. Trouble is, these conditions (given to us from external sources) get taken on as our own. And this tends to become a pattern that we can’t get out of. That’s why so many of us are unconsciously operating from other people’s beliefs and values rather than our own. In fact, by the time we are adults, we’ve often lost touch with who we really are (real self). We’ve become a version of ourselves who is so used to people pleasing that we always put ourselves last and others first. Can you relate?

Frozen

And these messages don’t just come from parents and caregivers, they come from everywhere in society!  Think Elsa from the Disney movie Frozen, and listen to some of the lyrics:

“Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.

Be the good girl you always have to be.

Conceal, don’t feel.

Don’t let them know.”

Questions

Which conditions of worth are being talked about in the song? 

Remember what happened when Elsa can’t keep it all in anymore?

Did you have to be or do something in order to keep the people around you happy?

How does it feel when you can’t keep that up?

Let me know if you have any questions or if this resonates with your experience. 

With deepest love
Tracy xx

Get in touch or email me now to set up a free call: tracy@tracyannwood.com

#conditionsofworth #cousenlling #carlrogers #peoplepleasing #selfloveisnotselfish